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Sunday, February 8, 2009


Love Connection vs. Infatuation

  • When both of you 1st develop a 'chemistry'
  • It is auto-pilot mode, you know what to do for one another
  • Naturally motivated to put the others needs about yours.
  • Become more interested on the 'differences' of each others.

Infatuation is the most fun stage, where you could create many great memories, doing things that is crazy despite of others people are looking, looking for adventurous, seeking new and fresh 'feeling'...

but ... how long does this last?

It lasts about 18 months to 3 years!

After this phase, some of these feeling or so called 'chemistry' can not be recaptured, such as the craziness, 'love feel'...etc.

For most of the relationships, started from this 'spark', but it does not lasts.

infatuation will leads the relationship to two possible ways:
  1. Affectionate Regard ..........(leads to) Breakdown
  2. Love Connection
If we are not careful, we skip Love Connection and will enter into a different stage, known as Affectionate Regard.

Affectionate Regard is a stage that there is care, concern and relationship, they do not want to hurt each other, like siblings love, you love each other but you are not in love. No connection, passion, intimacy and little chemistry. Destiny is not inter wined, it has evolved into brother and sister relationship.

Can we get it back and move into the Love Connection stage?
Just make a resounding 'YES'! God says about being friends and lovers.

Song of Songs 8:6-7

6"Put me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy is as severe as Sheol;
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
The very flame of the LORD.
7"Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor will rivers overflow i
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love,
It would be utterly despised."

Love Connection means

  • Meeting Needs
  • Need to make effort consistently;
  • It is not in auto-pilot mode
  • Need cooperation
  • Become aware of the 'differences' between each others.

Love Connection takes effort, when you put in effort, the feeling will come, the love will stay, it is worth to put in effort and time into your marriage for sure!

Ephesians 5:21-33
Respect and Love are the Keys

5:21 subjecting yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ.
5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife,
and Christ also is the head of the assembly,
being himself the savior of the body.

5:24 But as the assembly is subject to Christ,
so let the wives also be to their own husbands in everything.

5:25 Husbands, love your wives,

even as Christ also loved the assembly, and gave himself up for it;
5:26 that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word,
5:27 that he might present the assembly to himself gloriously,
not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing;
but that it should be holy and without blemish.

5:28 Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his own wife loves himself.

5:29 For no man ever hated his own flesh;
but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord also does the assembly;
5:30 because we are members of his body, of his flesh and bones.

5:31 "For this cause a man will leave his father and mother,
and will be joined to his wife. The two will become one flesh."
5:32 This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and of the assembly.
5:33 Nevertheless each of you must also love his own wife even as himself;
and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Husbands should Meet their Wives' Need for Love by being
  • Affectionate - physical touch
  • Honest - to work, money spending, friends...
  • Responsible
Wives should Meet their Husbands' Need for Feeling Respected by
  • Showing Admiration - verbal encouragement
  • Taking an Interest - in their work, hobby, interest, friends...
  • Providing Sexual Fulfillment and Looking Attractive (this is the need)
Each side tends to rate the need of the other as being low in their own raking of what's important!

A happy fulfilled marriage is not based on 'right mix' or perfect match, but people who know how to show Respect and Love, i.e. meet the needs.

Love Connection - knowing the needs and know how to meet them. When needs are NOT met, they will go some where else to meet this need and get detached.

What is an affair?
An affair is when two people not married to each other, become involved in:
  1. A physical relationship that combines sexual activity and or intercourse.
  2. Emotional feelings of love with each other
Both are affairs, but (2) is easier to give up than (1).

In Marriage, we don't get immediate and automatic feed back, it is a life time progression!
To meet needs, you don't have to be certain kind of person, or giving excuse to own self that I can't do it, or ignoring it.

For men, what do you need to train yourselves to do:
Affection (Women)
Many men grow up in an environment where affection was not seen and even was discouraged.
But you may start training to do these things now, i.e. sending flowers/cards/emails/back rubs/calls/sms/holding hands...

Do not ignore the Power of showing affection, most of men would give themselves an excuse: Not the "affectionate type", what about during dating?(Ambassador?)

Men: How do you feel if your wife get affection from some place?

Men need to take 10-15 hours of undivided time for their spouse a week, include: Traveling, meal time, walking, talking... when you talk, you enter into the other person's world.

Honest (Women)
Little lies can chip away the marriage, your partner needs to know you the best, both of you are BEST OF FRIENDS.

Secret e-mails, cell phones, etc... you demand for privacy? nah! marriage is what we care more about! Marriage may have a lot of weaknesses, but it is doomed to fail if it is NOT based on honesty and cooperation, at least start with a friend, work towards building trust with spouse.

Responsibility (Women)
  • What kind of a father have you been to the kids?
  • Leave all the discipline to the wife?
  • Leave all the homework to the wife?
Do you know that? It warms the heart of the wife when she sees him take an interest in the kids. (Aphrodisiac, when husband helps with house work or takes kids out to park, leaves wife with some peace and quiet time!)

Love Connection as opposed to Love Infatuation or Affect Regard
Husbands need to meet the needs of the wives.
Wives need to meet the needs of the affection.

For women, what do you need to train yourselves to do:
Admiration (men)
  • What if someone admires your husband more than you?
  • what do you think will happen?
  • what if you are the worst critic?
  • Never fake your admiration - must be come from your heart

Dr. Gary Neuman said: They (men) needs wives admiration. Constantly show respect and believe in your husband. The more you do, it will return to you!

Take an interest (men)
Men will talk; start with the right topic.
His work ... Do you know:
  • His boss?
  • His type of work?
  • What are his biggest burdens?
  • His favourite sports?
Do not ignore the Power of showing interest! Go for hobby/interest together.

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